‘I’ve decided to forego my soul and become an estate agent’
My husband, a man used to my vast array of career choices just nods his head and continues to eat his all bran
‘I’m serious, a friend of a friends husband is one and he says you don’t need any qualifications and it’s the easiest way to make decent money along the coast and he’s prepared to train me up. I’m starting tomorrow’
I finally pause for breath and await his approval.
‘Go for it Hoogstraten, I’m more than happy to become a kept man. Is there any more milk in the fridge?
I shouldn’t be surprised by his reply. I have had a fair few careers since I left school in 1984. Over a 100 at the last count. My husband has had two. Most people count sheep when they go to bed, I count the numerous opportunities that have been handed to me. The trouble is, I love a good interview, I just don’t usually like the actual job.
My first foray into gainful employment was a season as ‘Henry the Happy Howler’ in Pontins, Blackpool. That job was short lived as I overheated on the first Summers day whilst clad in the orange dog suit, passing out on top of a small child currently having his photo taken with my alter ego.
Then as an only child I suddenly decided I wanted to care for others people’s offspring and not just crush them so I promptly took a position as a nanny for three small kids aged one, three and five. If I’m honest, the main reason I wanted the role was because it was based in Israel and after a brief stint as a hairdresser I wanted to see much more than just the inside of a pensioners beehive. Unfortunately on arriving in Tel Aviv, I realised my teenage self didn’t actually like the fruit of others peoples loins or the reality of working a 15 hour day, or working at all if I’m honest…
Anyway, I digress. I was now going to make a fortune selling property and purchase me some Botox and a bit of liposuction with my first proper Spanish pay cheque.
Staring at the contents of my wardrobe I realised that anything resembling office wear had a size 12 label in the collar and I was currently verging on a stout 16. Slamming the offending closet door closed I consoled myself with a ham sandwich and promised to cut out carbs starting from tomorrow.
The sound of rainfall dripping onto the air conditioning unit dragged me from my slumber the following morning and I forced my ever expanding hips into a pair of ‘all you can eat’ leggings and a borrowed blouse. By 9am I was ready to make my first million and headed outside to straddle my latest mode of transport, a second hand blue Vespa purchased only a few days earlier which sat alongside my husband’s larger bike.
Staring down at the wet seat I realised mopeds were only fun when the sun shone and not on rainy days but as training was being held in the managers house over in Mijas Golf I had no choice but to clamber on board and hope that none of the other trainees thought I was incontinent when I walked into the room with a moist bottom.
Twenty minutes and several wrong turns later I finally located the property. Brushing the rain off my visor I stared up at the big detached house then down at my sodden attire. A knot formed in my stomach as I gingerly reached out to push the doorbell on the gate.
Hesitating, I let my hand stay mid air. Uncertainty gripped me and the bell remained untouched. Clutching my helmet, I bowed my head and turned back towards the bike. Whom was I kidding; this dog was way too old to learn new tri…..
The door behind me suddenly opened and a masculine voice cut through the air
‘Hola! You must be Paula. Come in!’
To be continued –
A New Wife in the Sun, as featured in The Olive Press, is available for proof reading, wedding speeches, radio presenting and anything that involves not having to smile at people for any amount of time.